My Heart Breaks as it Leaps for Joy

The ballad of Rumble, Gizmo, and Hissyfit

On Sept. 28, 2011 three young cats - probably about three months old wandered into a humane trap. They were moved into two carriers and spent the night in fear in a quiet bedroom inside the house they were born behind.

The next day, they were driven to the Humane Society, knocked out and "fixed". Almost twenty-four hours after they were trapped, they were back in the bedroom, released from the carriers, but still terrified. They hid in the dark recesses of an old computer desk because that was the only place to hide. While the bedframe still stood in the room like an old skeleton, the mattress and boxspring were gone.

Everyday I fed them, picked them up, petted them, scooped their litter, and whispered kind words to them. Though he was terrified, the completely black cat with a single white whisker purred loudly - as if pleasure and fear were a bit mixed up in his mind. That is why I called him Rumble. Of course, as soon as I put him down, he would run and hide again.

Gizmo was the most shy. He would push himself as far into those crevessaes hoping that I would not be able to catch him. But every day I cuddled him. He was frightened, but never threatening. Except for the few times that he took the lead from his sister and unconvincingly hissed at me from his hiding spot. That completely black cat with the face shaped like an equilaateral triangle had the face of Gizmo from the Gremlins movie.

Now, Hissyfit, she was another story. Everytime I just looked at her she would hiss. She hissed as I reached for her and sometimes when I held her. She bit me once, but I think it was by accident while she was trying to hiss, and my hand got in her mouth.

This went on for three weeks. I finally got the sense that I was getting nowhere with Hissyfit, but maybe the others would come around. Sadly, I returned Hissy to the bush under which she had lived the first half of her life. She gladly returned to it, and I have seen her shyly come to the food dish a few times since her release.

Within a week of Hissyfit's departure, the two remaining males were ready to socialize. Rumble wouldn't run and hide anymore. After another week, Gizmo wasn't hiding either. They were happy to see me come to the door and even started to get the run of the upstairs. They would come and snuggle with me on my bed for a few minutes before we all went to sleep at night in our separate rooms. I was filled with joy that they had learned to be "house" cats. And told them so everyday.

But we would not recognize joy without pain. I wasnted so badly for them to have their own house to be housecats in, but my cats were not really accepting of others. They would not be able to stay with us. That had never been my intention. I just wanted to get them out from under the bush and into a good home.

Tonight that happened. Two days ago, a person Tom works with came to the house to visit the cats. She fell in love right away, but couldn't take them that night. They needed to prepare a space for them in their house with two dogs. They wanted to provide them a private, safe place. I wouldn't know when they were ready, but I figured it would be on the weekend.

Tonight I got the call. Their new house was ready for them. I was busy getting ready for scrapbooking. So I didn't get to linger with a goodbye. I gave them both my standard "blessing" as I packed them into the carrier: that they would be going to a home where people loved them and knew how to take care of them. That they might be afraid for a few more days, but then their lives would be so much better. They would have a whole house to live in not just a bedroom and a few hours of freedom. I was happy for them. And sad for me - and that they would have to be afraid again when their lives changed again so unexpectedly.

My sadness is selfishness. I worked so hard to change their lives. I spent time (never enough) but time every day bringing these ferral kittens into a new life of safety and care. I would never see them again. I will always wonder if they will even remember me.

I have this little fantasy. That all the cats I have ever fostered will meet me in heaven. That God will show me to a room and there they will all be to tell me their lives had been wonderful because they had spent those few weeks with me and I had given all of them my standard blessing.

It feels empty. Most of us work so very hard and then one day, the work is gone. It reminds me that heaven isn't about saving up our good behavior for some later date. That heaven is right in front of us every day purring loudly or hiding in a corner. It is up to us to reach out and live in that heaven.

Charlie is at my feet tonight. He is in heaven. It is the first time in weeks that he and Jack have been the only cats in the house.

Where you at, Cat?

Dear  Bob,
I wish we could find a good place for you. I selfishly want you in my own house. But unfortunately my cats Charlie and Jack do not. Charlie attacks you if he gets the chance and you try to attack Jack to establish a pecking order. We've been trying since July, but none of you are really getting along. I hate having to lock you up when you are inside with us.

I'm afraid to send you to someone else. I'm afraid you'll go outside and try to return to your outside home.

I don't know how to make your life good, Bob. I hope we figure it out, soon - for your sake.

Bob loves me. Charlie hates Bob

Bob has been coming in and out a lot this week. We kept him in Friday night. We had to lock him up to keep him safe from Charlie.

On Saturday morning, I was getting ready to leave to do some errands. I wanted to let Bob out, but Charlie was wanting a fight. Bob retreated upstairs, and I followed. Charlie snuck after us.

Bob was afraid he would be locked in his room and hid under the bed in Mavericks room. He avoided me. I finally chased him out from under the bed. Charlie appeared at the bedroom door and hissed. Bob ran back under the bed. I slammed the door in Charlie's face, then he charged the door. I coaxed and coaxed and finally, Bob let me pull him out from under it.

I whisked him downstairs and opened the door. He sauntered outside and up into the bushes.

Charlie was relieved.

I thought I saw Bob waiting for breakfast when I got up for a pit stop. I decided to sleep in. So 45 minutes later when I finally went out Bob wasn't there.

Tonight, it started to rain pretty hard. I turned on the light and called for Bob. I waited and listened for him to answer, but I didn't see or hear him. A few minutes later, Charlie was nervously scratching at the door. There was Bob. I brought him in. He ate while I combed burrs out of his fur. I left him to rest while I finished making some cards in the basement.

Later I played with him while putting clothes away. I had to go downstairs to turn off lights. Charlie was sitting on a sweater that was air-drying on top of the drier. Honestly, I think Charlie was thinking he'd ambush Bob if he came in to use the box.

How will we ever manage these two in the same house? Winter will be here before we know it.

Where is Everyone?

OK, I took Big Daddy Cat in to be neutered. After reading more about ferals, I've decided to Commit to supporting our feral colony. Brought him home, fed him (he didn't eat much - if any), then released him. He took off like a bat out of hell. That was Monday night.

Tuesday, I only saw two or three cats. Today - morning food still in dish at 7 pm. I haven't seen Bob since Sunday morning.

Did Big Daddy Cat move you all away because of his surgery? Did someone harm all of you? Do you hate that Wal-Mart Special Kitty crap food so much that you moved away? I bought some Meow Mix yesterday.

I hope someone is looking out for you guys, because I miss you.

Please come home.

The Meaning of Life

Well, Bob is now an indoor/outdoor cat. He goes out at night and comes in to sleep in peace and relative safety during the day.

But I decided I needed to get going again with the trapping projects. Last week I made the earliest appointment I could - which turned out to be Monday morning. And guess who finally walked into the trap tonight. The kittens looked at the food, but wouldn't go in.

But Big Daddy Cat decided it was worth the risk.

Big Daddy Cat is the Alpha male. I'm about 95% sure he is the daddy of all the black cats we have out there - save for Old Mamma who we haven't seen in several weeks. Lately Big Daddy Cat has gotten very aggressive. I'm not sure if it is a food issue, a too-many-young-males-in-my-territory issue, or if it is because the most eligible females for mating are either gone or not going into heat. (I believe cats will only mate if they are in heat.)

We'll we trapped and and fairly easily moved him from the trap into a carrier. The carrier is just sitting in the garage. He's calm now, but in the trap he wasn't. But let's face it, none of the cats is calm in the carrier. Hell, even our own cats are not calm in there.

But here is the hard part. We kind of like the other cats, but we don't like Big Daddy. He is aggressive and mean. Both my husband and neighbor have said we should just let him go on some farm somewhere. But that doesn't solve the real problem.. He can still mate and make more cats, and we don't want that to happen.

So what do we do? I am having trouble playing god right now. Who am I to decide if he should live or die - just because he is a nuisance to me? Would someone relocate him? Will neutering ease the aggressiveness? If he can't be relocated, if he is still aggressive, then what? I can't think about it. Why am I in this position?

Wherefore art thou, Bob?

OK, so you lived in our house for three weeks. Granted, it was not the best life. I'm sorry you had to live in a bedroom for half of your day. And I'm sorry you had to be gated in one part of the house, sometimes with us, sometimes not. But that is what was safest for you. Charlie was very angry at you - he didn't want another cat living in our house. Jack was afraid of you - because you were afraid of him.

Maybe things would have been different if you could have had the run of the house. But that just wasn't safe. So yesterday when I opened the door. You went out. Then came back in. Then went out. You were happy to be out. You disappeared into the bushes.

At night you came back. I tried to bring you upstairs, but you were just too antsy. So I let you back out and you disappeared into the night again.

And there you were this morning - waiting under our patio chair. I gave you breakfast and petted you, but you acted like a shy feral again. You came back at dusk. You let me cuddle and pet you. You even came in the house for a short visit and a handful of kibble at 10pm. But you wanted back out. And I watched you disappear into the bushes again. I saw a streetlight reflect off your silky tail once, but then you were gone.

"I love you, Bob," I said to the night. The crickets whispered back. I know you heard me.

I know you will be back tomorrow. I know we will continue to build a relationship. I don't know where it will lead. Probably one of us will have a broken heart. Maybe it was already you since you weren't the first cat in my house.

"I love you, Bob," I say again out the upstairs window as I check to see if you've changed your mind.

That will have to do for a blessing. Hopefully my love is big enough to protect you in la vida loca. Hopefully my love gets the attention of Ceiling Cat who can watch over you, too.

Bob

Bob chose me. That's why I can't abandon him. He walked right up to me and basically said, "I trust you." Of course he didn't actually SAY that. He showed it in that way that cats do when they rub against you.

Oh, I'm sure that message started out as, "I'm hungry, and I'm willing to suck up to you to get some special food." But that message soon obviously became, "I trust you." So now what?

Who Said She Was Easy

I think she is one of these

Maybe she seemed easy at first. Earlier this year I saw her flaunting herself in front of all the other guys. It's no wonder she quickly became pregnant. But aside from that, I don't know that she was ever easy.

She is one of the colony of black cats living in our back yard. For the past year my neighbor and I have been feeding her and her family. It started out with just two - Mom and Dad. Last summer they had two or three litters of kittens. I trapped two in one litter and took them to Elmbrook Humane Society (HAWS didn't want to take them because I live in Brookfield, even though I've fostered for them for years). Elmbrook put them down because they were feral. 

I trapped two from another litter, Ben and Bode, and spent most of the fall socializing them. After pleading with HAWS they helped me and took them. Finally, right around my birthday in December, they were adopted.

So when we discovered this spring that the offspring had a litter of kittens (my neighbor saw the kittens and it was obvious looking at her that she was nursing) we decided that we needed to quit adding to the colony. I called HAWS and inquired about their Trap-Neuter-Release program and I had an appointment the next day. HAWS has a TNR program, but Elmbrook does not, so HAWS was able to help us.

I put a trap out right away, and the cat one walked in about ten minutes later. After dinner, I put out the next trap. That is when our "easy" girl appeared. She was very interested in the food. She did everything she could to get at the tuna, without going in. She reached through the back of the cage, but couldn't get it. About 20 minutes later she was in and eating, but it did not spring right away.

When the trap finally sprang, she panicked. She bounced around the trap. We noticed later that she had a small cut on her nose from banging against the cage. We brought her in and let her loose in the spare bedroom we use to foster kittens and cats. Suddenly she started flying around the room. Even though I had closed the blinds, she recognized the window as a way out and clung to the curtains and valance. Over and over she circled the room. She climbed the tipped bedframe (we'd taken out the mattress and box spring so they couldn't hide in it). She jump from the floor and cling to the valence over and over. After about 5 minutes of this, she finally settled down and hid behind the desk.

In the middle of the night, she started to try and open the door. Lucky I had used a bungie cord to hold the door closed, but she really tried. 

In the morning, when it was time to go to HAWS for surgery they were both hiding in the desk. I grabbed one, and shoved her in the waiting carrier. The other ostarted away and started bouncing off the walls and climbing the window again. She broke several strips on the blinds trying to figure out how to get out the window.

Finally I grabbed her off the window. She turned around and bit me - through a thick leather work glove! It barely pierced my skin, but I held tight and shoved her in the second carrier I'd borrowed from HAWS. I took them to HAWS and they did the procedure. I was there at 3:00 to pick them up as planned.

So I'm walking out of HAWS towards my car holding the two carriers. Suddenly I see her jump out of the carrier! Somehow it had come open. She ran through the parking lot and into the empty lot next to HAWS. I put the other carrier with the other cat in it and the empty carrier in my car and went to look for her. Some people in the building had see her run and came out to help. A person pulling into the shelter had seen her running in the grass next to Northview almost a quarter mile down the road. I walked the route these witnesses had seen her take, but she was long gone. There was tall grass in that lot and a steep hill. I was in shorts and flip flops - not exactly bushwhacking attire - plus the other cat was still sitting in my car. When I went back to my car, I saw that the carrier that HAWS had lent me had broken. The part that the latch attached to fell off. The door opened and that is how she was able to escape.

I went into HAWS. They had heard what had happened and told me they would put out a trap. Really - all that space and she's going to walk into a trap AGAIN?! I doubt it. I took the other cat home, fed her, changed into jeans and tennies and returned to HAWS. I searched the lot next to HAWS where they walk dogs then walked down the hill to look along the side of the road (NORTHVIEW!) to the next intersection, about 1/2 mile down the road I went back up the hill.

She had lived under a tree all her life, so I found a promising tree to look under - mostly it was a tall grass prairie around there. I saw something move under the tree, but it was just a bird. I drove further down Northview, but saw nothing. So she was gone.

No she was never easy.

I hope she stays out of the road and finds plenty to eat in the tall grass. So sorry little lady.

Earlier today, I had seen the kittens for the first time, coming to get some food. When I got home four kittens were trying to eat from one bowl. I put out some fresh food. It took awhile, but eventually, five kittens came out to the bowl. Some of them are orphans now. We'll put the other mom out tonight - a little earlier than HAWS recommended (they wanted us to give her 24 hours inside), but she is pretty unhappy in our bedroom. She'll probably be happier in her bush - where she's survived for more than a year.

So, now we've got our work cut out for us. Five new kittens to trap and socialize. At least three more cats to trap-neuter-release.

I just hope life is good for our little "easy" girl ... Wherever she is.